The thought is appalling,
But should I slip away into the stormy sea, will you remember me?
Dear world,
Today didn’t go so well. I had to call them to come back because I felt so unwell. They were over an hour away from home at the time, and they missed my first phone call. Apparently I sound drugged today, that doesn’t particularly surprise me, that’s precisely how I feel. I don’t really remember what was said on the phone, apart from that they were coming back and not to leave the key in the door. I have been lying down or asleep for the most part of today, I don’t seem to be able to stay awake for long enough to complete anything worth doing or do anything at all productive.
It hit me last night that no matter what I do I will always be sick. Hospital and doctors trips have become the norm. I’m familiar with the inside of ambulances and the hospital staff now. I am afraid of getting worse, my heart failing on me and my lungs deciding enough is enough. I am afraid of my immune system admitting defeat. I cannot pretend that I am not afraid when I have to keep going back to clinics, or to see my surgeon, or for testing. This is not the way I meant my life to be. I would honestly do anything to stay healthy for a whole year, although I know it’s unobtainable, I am willing to try. I was having horrific flashbacks to hospital last year, when they asked if I tried to kill myself, when my blood results came back, when they told me there was something wrong with my heart. All of the terrifying memories you wish could stay restricted within the ward, restrained to the bed and unable to inflict harm upon themselves or another human being. Part of me wishes that I could have ended it all back then, part of me is still spending hours on end contemplating the best methods of suicide with the highest mortality rates. I guess what I should be saying is that I do not want people holding onto me any more, or asking me why I feel this way. I just want to become invisible and fade into the background. I never asked to be born, and I never wanted my life to turn out like this. I am so sorry.
I pray that tomorrow I feel a little better, or the antidepressants start to work, or everything begins to lift, because if it doesn’t I honestly do not know what I am going to do with myself. Nothing seems to be doing anything apart from getting worse, and hurting me more. I guess that tomorrow is a whole new day, but I am always making judgements about the future by looking at the past. As today hasn’t been a good day, why should tomorrow be any better? I mean, sure. If I keep doing/feeling the same thing I will keep getting the same thing, but I just don’t have the energy to make any changes.
She is really playing with my head, I do not know why. She makes me want to turn around and say, “Hey, your ex boyfriend did more with me than he will ever do with you. Grow up and fix your priorities, you’re not getting him back. How dare you point such accusations at me.” You’re turning me into the whore, as always. I will not stoop down to your level, he deserves so much better than you, he always did and he always will. I wish I could erase you from my life completely, I never want to hear another word from you. I do not care what your turn ons and turn offs are, I do not care what you did with him back in ‘09. That’s old news. Grow up and learn that sleeping around will now earn you respect. Don’t even think about pulling me down with you. I have my reasoning for what I have done. Get out of my life, and his life.
Thank you.
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