I have made a promise to myself, and it is working so far. I promised myself a few months ago, that I would refrain from sexual relations with anyone who was not my boyfriend. Being single, this has become a bit of task. I seem to have a 5 month threshold. I have never gone more than five months without sex since my first experience when I was 18. It has been almost four months and I am… feeling the pinch.
I am in a daily battle, I am stuck between my principles and my sexual urges. Each day I consider phoning the one person I shouldn’t, and degrade myself by telling him “yes, I am available”, when I am completely and utterly not. It is simply my raging hormones and love of sex taking over every aspect of my life, and it is frustrating to say the least.
I recently told an ex to get out of my and never to even attempt to worm his way back in. He was a cold character, a heartless, immoral scum bag, and he responded to my tearful flood of emotions and desperation: “Call me if you ever want sex” How disgusting. however I must confess that I do consider, or at least have been for the past week, taking him up on this, getting what I want, or more to the point what I need. But at the moment I am strong enough to realise that it would be the worst thing in the world for me to do. To let him have that power over me, even if I need it, would be degrading and shameful. I don’t think I could live with myself if I had sex with him again, but honestly, I think it would be a very satisfying thing to do. I could have sex with him, and get rid of the frustration that is hindering my daily routine, and move on. Is this the reality though? Would it not just make me fall in love all over again? I can easily say that yes, I have finally fallen out of love with someone who took over every fibre of my being for so long. I am not in love with him anymore!! If I could shout it all over the city I would. But I would like to give in just one more time. One passionate, steamy, no-holds-barred time. What am I going to do when I get to the usual madness time of five months? Daily, I slip into fantasies, no matter where I am, at home, on the city bus, in work, these fantasies take over my body and I get lost in them. The frustration almost brought me to tears last night as I sat on the bus and uncontrollably imagined him holding my body tight and sinking his teeth into my quivering skin as I whisper his name and my lips caress his shoulders. I don’t want him. I want his body and his knowledge of mine.
I am a woman, I have needs, but I also have virtues. Everything in life is a contradiction.
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