I feel like I'm falling, so darling don't let me go

The thought is appalling,
But should I slip away into the stormy sea, will you remember me?

Dear world,

Today didn’t go so well. I had to call them to come back because I felt so unwell. They were over an hour away from home at the time, and they missed my first phone call. Apparently I sound drugged today, that doesn’t particularly surprise me, that’s precisely how I feel. I don’t really remember what was said on the phone, apart from that they were coming back and not to leave the key in the door. I have been lying down or asleep for the most part of today, I don’t seem to be able to stay awake for long enough to complete anything worth doing or do anything at all productive.

It hit me last night that no matter what I do I will always be sick. Hospital and doctors trips have become the norm. I’m familiar with the inside of ambulances and the hospital staff now. I am afraid of getting worse, my heart failing on me and my lungs deciding enough is enough. I am afraid of my immune system admitting defeat. I cannot pretend that I am not afraid when I have to keep going back to clinics, or to see my surgeon, or for testing. This is not the way I meant my life to be. I would honestly do anything to stay healthy for a whole year, although I know it’s unobtainable, I am willing to try. I was having horrific flashbacks to hospital last year, when they asked if I tried to kill myself, when my blood results came back, when they told me there was something wrong with my heart. All of the terrifying memories you wish could stay restricted within the ward, restrained to the bed and unable to inflict harm upon themselves or another human being. Part of me wishes that I could have ended it all back then, part of me is still spending hours on end contemplating the best methods of suicide with the highest mortality rates. I guess what I should be saying is that I do not want people holding onto me any more, or asking me why I feel this way. I just want to become invisible and fade into the background. I never asked to be born, and I never wanted my life to turn out like this. I am so sorry.

I pray that tomorrow I feel a little better, or the antidepressants start to work, or everything begins to lift, because if it doesn’t I honestly do not know what I am going to do with myself. Nothing seems to be doing anything apart from getting worse, and hurting me more. I guess that tomorrow is a whole new day, but I am always making judgements about the future by looking at the past. As today hasn’t been a good day, why should tomorrow be any better? I mean, sure. If I keep doing/feeling the same thing I will keep getting the same thing, but I just don’t have the energy to make any changes.

She is really playing with my head, I do not know why. She makes me want to turn around and say, “Hey, your ex boyfriend did more with me than he will ever do with you. Grow up and fix your priorities, you’re not getting him back. How dare you point such accusations at me.” You’re turning me into the whore, as always. I will not stoop down to your level, he deserves so much better than you, he always did and he always will. I wish I could erase you from my life completely, I never want to hear another word from you. I do not care what your turn ons and turn offs are, I do not care what you did with him back in ‘09. That’s old news. Grow up and learn that sleeping around will now earn you respect. Don’t even think about pulling me down with you. I have my reasoning for what I have done. Get out of my life, and his life.

Thank you.

[Via http://alcoholandbandages.wordpress.com]

Chatroulette.com - Man Romancing a Raccoon

So I recently heard of this website called chatroulette.com … or chatrt.com. It is a pretty cool concept with a less than impressive execution. You go to the site, and you find three boxes. Two stacked above one another at the left of the screen, and one big one to the right. The two on the left are webcam windows, the one on the bottom shows you, the one on the top shows a random stranger amongst over 20,000 people everytime you hit “next” or F9. The box on the right is a chat page.

You set up your settings to ensure that they can see you without hearing you, see you AND hear you, or neither. Your chances of matching up with somebody greatly decrease if you don’t allow them to see your cam as well. Once you’re all ready, you hit go and it flashes on your webcam (bottom left) and pairs you with some random webcam (top left). You now have the option to chat with this person either via microphone or chat (right big box), or you can hit “Next” (or F9) and find a different persons webcam.

I found this rather strange and for lack of better words, fucked up. But I decided I wouldn’t knock it till I tried it. Turns out chatroulette.com is the perverse male’s stomping grounds. First of all, nine out of ten webcams I viewed showed me men (90% males). Out of those nine men, seven of them were shirtless (70% shirtless males). Out of those seven men, five of them were completely naked (50% naked men). Out of those five naked men, four of them were MASTURBATING ON WEBCAM (40% masturbating naked men). Needless to say, I was hitting next faster than…. fast things.

Now you would think that a website that consists 40% of masturbating naked men is incredibly awful as is. But no no… it gets worse. I scrolled through about 50 webcams before I decided enough was enough. During my hour of life wasted on this website, I saw some of the strangest shit I had ever seen. Out of the (approximately) 50 webcams I saw, three of them stood out like a zit on prom night (15% outlying weird ass stuff).

1. A guy making love to a head of lettuce.
2. An overweight Asian man with full make up and a pink, lacy bra on.
3. A man passionately sexing up a plush Raccoon.

Unfortunately, I was caught off guard for the first two, and was unable to print screen them. But I got wise to this website, and decided to have my finger ready to hit print screen the next time I saw something incredibly screwed up… so when I saw the man and his Raccoon… BOOM PRINT SCREEN! The picture below may give some of you nightmares, may make some of you hate Raccoons, but it will make all of you laugh a lot and say “WHAT THE FUCK” out loud… yea, even if nobody is around. Take a look:

"Why didn't you look at me during??"

Yea that’s right folks… a grown man… making love to a toy Raccoon… for all the world to see. I get it, people have different fetish’s… they like to do weird stuff… I’ve honestly heard of it all, and if somebody told me there were people out there that liked submitting their sexuality to a stuffed animal, I wouldn’t even flinch!! Having said that, when you put it on a webcam, for ANYBODY WITH AN INTERNET CONNECTION to see, don’t you think thats a bit risky?! This guy probably has a job… probably has a friend or two (maybe)… he probably leaves his house… is it completely impossible that somebody he may know would see this!?

To wrap up, I’d like to give you forewarning… do NOT waste your life on this website. you will be disappointed beyond repair. It is not as fun and cool as you may think. Try it out, because curiosity will get the best of you (chatroulette.com), but once you see it first hand you will feel the same way I do, and you will say to yourself “I wish I listened to Sepy”. And please for the love of god, if you end up LOVING this site, DON’T do anything Raccoon-ish on webcam… you may fall victim to the treacherous PRINT SCREEN button, end up on a blog, and then you will have to move to a different country.

[Via http://sepbaz.wordpress.com]

God's Incarnation as a Donkey in Gerard Reve's Mystical-Sexual Fantasy

Gerard Reve (1923-2006) was a Dutch Catholic communist homosexual author, who in 1966-1968 fought the state of The Netherlands in a two-year blasphemy trial, a trial which centred on Reve’s literary description in which he thrice fucks God during His incarnation as a donkey.

Yet there is little here that you can’t find in the medieval mystics, all updated for the twentieth century:

“Reve describes how God vists him in the form of a donkey and how, in an upsurge of love and devotion, he takes the incarnated God to bed:

En God Zelf zou bij mij langs komen in de gedaante van een éénjarige, muisgrijze Ezel en voor de deur staan en aanbellen en zeggen: ‘Gerard, dat boek van je–weet je dat Ik bij sommige stukken gehuid heb?’ ‘Mijn Heer en mijn God! Geloofd weze Uw Naam tot in alle Eeuwigheid! Ik houd zo verschrikkelijk veel van U,’ zou ik proberen te zeggen, maar halverwege zou ik al in janken uitbarsten, en Hem beginnen te kussen en naar binnen trekken, en na een gewildige klauterpartij om de trap naar het slaapkamertje op te komen, zou ik Hem drie keer achter elkaar langdurig in Zijn Geheime Opening bezitten, en daarna een presenteksemplaar geven… met de opdracht: Voor de Oneindige. Zonder Woorden. (Nader 112-113)

And God Himself would visit me in the form of a one-year-old, mouse grey Donkey and stand in front of my door and ring the bell and say: ‘Gerard, that book of yours–did you know that I wept while reading some of its passages?’ ‘My Lord and my God! Praisebe Your Name to all Eternity! I love You so immensely,’ I would try to say, but would burst out crying halfway, and start to kiss Hi and pull Him inside, and after a colossal climb up the stairs to the little bedroom, I would possess Him three times in a row and at great length in His Secret Opening, and afterwards give Him a free copy… of my book with the dedication: To the Infinite. Without Words (Trans. Jessika Batteau).

As is evident from the above, Reve combines the high rhetoric of the Bible with the banal and carnal, using capital letters in an ironic manner.”

(Jesseka Batteau, “Literary Icons and the Religious Past in the Netherlands” (2009), 239)

Ah – but what intense devotion!

[Via http://dunedinschool.wordpress.com]

'Sex mad' cop Jessica Parfrey loses unfair dismissal claim

A police officer who was sacked after begging colleagues for sex has lost her unfair dismissal claim.

[Jessica Parfrey, sacked after five months, allegedly told her boss: "I'm 19, what is wrong with you?" / The Daily Telegraph Source: The Daily Telegraph]

• Officer 19 when she propositioned colleagues
• She offered to have sex in toilet and fake evidence
• Commission rejects claims she was only joking

Within days of being posted Jessica Parfrey propositioned her supervisor to have an affair because “everyone knows you’re supposed to fall in love with your buddy”.

A month later, after he turned her down, she told him: “Can’t we just f***? I am a 19-year-old girl, what is wrong with you?”

The Industrial Relations Commission in Sydney heard that Ms Parfrey also offered an officer oral sex in a pub toilet and carpark and later propositioned another, saying: “I know you want me.”

Both men refused. She tried to call another colleague 12 times, left six text messages and then offered to help him study for his police exams by stripping off an item of clothing for every question he got correct. He refused.

Ms Parfrey was sacked from the police in September 2007, five months into her probation.

Assistant Commissioner Michael Corboy told her in a letter that her conduct had been “entirely inconsistent” with the standards expected of an officer.

However, she claimed her dismissal was unjust and argued that the majority of the alleged sexual harassment took place outside work during drinks with workmates.

John Grayson, deputy president of the Industrial Relations Commission, refused yesterday to reinstate her, rejecting her claims that she had been joking.

He said he believed her former colleagues at Waratah local area command, near Newcastle.

Ms Parfrey, who was not in court, has been working as a barmaid.

She graduated from the Goulburn police academy in May 2007 but she failed two subjects in her associate degree in policing at Charles Sturt University and had to fight to overturn a two-year study ban.

The commission also heard that during her probation she told another officer that she wanted to attend the scenes of fatal traffic accidents because it would “f*** up her head” and she could use it for a hurt-on-duty claim.

She also offered to lie in a suspected drink driving case, the commission was told.

While out on patrol, she and another officer saw a suspected drink driver standing 100 metres from his car.

She offered to say she had seen him behind the wheel, the commission was told.

Ms Parfrey’s solicitor, Stuart Grey, said she may appeal.

bron: www.news.com.au

[Via http://wocview.wordpress.com]

catch a ride on my free thoughts...

so this weekend i moved some of my stuff over to M’s place. I can’t believe this is happening. i am actually going to live with people other than family. my mind is all over the place right now trying to rewind to the point when my dumb ass agreed to this situation. it doesn’t matter now. it’s done. saturday will be the final day of my complete independence.

i feel like i’m in a blank space where what is happening with this move is neither good nor bad it just is. i feel like i don’t want to be in my apartment any more. i’m also not completely sure i want to move in with M. scratch that, I do want to live with M, but not her Mom. that woman freaks me out. I will tell you about her when i have time.

[Via http://whothefuckisbeanrandolph.wordpress.com]

Everything Is Wrong With Me by Jason Mulgrew Book review

Photo courtesy of Harper Perennial

Everything Is Wrong With Me: A Memoir of an American Childhood Gone, Well, Wrong by Jason Mulgrew had me basically frothing at the mouth the second I glanced at it’s fantastic cover on Goodreads.  Seriously, this cover and title are at the top of my list of best book titles and covers that I’ve ever seen.  I’m torn between feeling enormously proud of him for getting this book published and wanting to repeatedly stab him out of my jealous ghetto rage at his success.  (In case you don’t know it, I grew up dysfunctional and under the care of a bipolar mother, drunk stepfather, and possible serial-killer half-brother.  I want to finish writing my own memoir that I started years ago.  And once you read this book, you’ll understand where my stabbing fantasy comes from, as there is lots of stabbing going on in the book!) 

Jason Mulgrew is 30 years old and has what I believe to be a best-selling memoir on his hands, damn it!  When I discovered that he was writes a blog titled Everything is Wrong with Me 30, Bipolar, and Hungry and it has over 2000 million hits, I knew that I had to review this book.  Thank goodness I received my review copy in the mail just in time for the book’s release today.  I started reading the book Monday at 7 am and had to wake up at 1:00 am this morning just to finish reading it, because I’ve fallen completely head over heels in love with this book.  And I’ve got a bit of a weird crush on Jason’s father, Dennis Mulgrew, who was even more wilder than my own drunken stepfather in his prime. 

I don’t know what was funniest story was in this book, it may have been the fact that he was taught to refer to his penis as his “bird,” or when he wrote a paragraph about his pack of wild friends with goofy names such as Jimmy the Muppet and asked the readers to envision Ray Liotta narrating the paragraph in the style of Henry Hill from Goodfellas, or if it was Jason’s wild over-use of hysterical footnotes.  I’m leaning toward the footnotes.  My favorite can be found on page 154, and the footnote is nearly half the page and runs on to take up a quarter of the next page as well.  Basically, it is a delightful story-within-a-story about his favorite childhood game of all time called remote controlling.  Everyone in his Philly neighborhood paid off the cable guys to get all the premium channels, including porn, and he and his friends would walk the streets with their remote controls and point them into open living rooms and changed their neighbors tv’s to the porn channels.  Jason and crew would then witness the mayhem and hysteria of the families who saw sudden pornography on their television screens.  I still can not stop laughing about this story. 

This memoir is filled with top-notch tales of hilarious dysfunction, such as his young classmate Carlos who had a giant-sized penis who attempted to teach Jason the correct way to take a piss in the first grade, as Jason held his “bird” like a lion holds its young.  Perhaps it was the story about how his father spend Jason’s first Christmas getting pissed drunk, watching his buddy get knifed after nearly getting jumped, and eventually getting arrested for attempted murder.  These are the gems that make this book shine.  And, it is filled with wonderful pictures.  The best one was of Jason dressed up for the annual Philly New Years Day Parade, but that photo wasn’t on his website.  So, I thought you’d like to see these two, to give you an idea of what else you can find in the book.  The first picture is of Jason getting a ham from Christmas.  

Photo curtesy of Jason Mulgrew

In Jason’s life, it was normal for his grandfather to take him bar hopping while he was collecting bets for his gambling business, just as it was normal for him to kick back with a beer as shown below.  As much as this picture shocks me, I honestly can’t stop laughing about it, because I know that life, having grown up the same way.  I clearly remember the first time I drank an entire pina colada ate age nine, right along with my mom.  Whoops!  For many people, this is just how life is, and I love nothing more than laughing over the terrible yet funny stories that other people have written about their own childhood.     

Photo curtesy of Jason Mulgrew

I can’t beg you enough to buy this book.  It is a must-read for every person who grew up loving the fun in their dysfunctional childhoods.  Everything Is Wrong With Me: A Memoir of an American Childhood Gone, Well, Wrong is a frank, brutally honest and shockingly hysterical memoir of booze, porn, masturbation, and the stupid acts of boys and men.  Who doesn’t want to have a good laugh and a trip down memory lane?  Even if you weren’t raised dysfunctional in the traditional sense, buy the book and take a walk down the wild side and see how hard life was for someone else, and perk yourself up knowing at least you didn’t have to survive that childhood.  So what if your mom or dad was a little too controlling?  His dad let him play with a loaded elephant gun (on accident, but still!) all afternoon with his little brother. 

Photo curtesy of People Magazine

Jason Mulgrew currently works for “a white-shoe law firm that tolerates his blue-collar ways,” or at least until his boss eventually reads this book and fires his ass for admitting what he does at work.  In addition, Jason still writes his popular blog, almost had a tv show picked up, and has even made it into People’s 2005 Most-Eligible-Bachelor List.  I am still wondering who he blew to get that shout out? 

To purchase your copy of Everything Is Wrong With Me: A Memoir of an American Childhood Gone, Well, Wrong by Jason Mulgrew, click here.

To visit Jason Mulgrew’s website and blog, click here.

To find Jason’s Facebook page, go here.

And, to follow him on Twitter go here.

[Via http://thegirlfromtheghetto.wordpress.com]

I tell you, you give somebody a blog, and they become the world's foremost authority.

Wow,
there are a lot of experts on wordpress,
and a lot of strong opinions.

There are tons of artists,
and legions of writers.
I can barely scribble with crayons,
and I am certainly not a writer.
How did everyone else get so talented?

Sex experts dispense their knowledge
on wordpress. There is an endless sea of
“Secret Confessions of a (stripper/hooker/porn star)” blogs.
Can you blog while having sex?

Political analysts abound.
Why aren’t these people in office?

Religious zealots blog too.
I’ve read a lot of condemnation
of people and religions.
Is religion all about hate?

So what do I know?

I know that talented people
don’t have to tell you they’re talented.

I know that the people trying so hard
to convince others of their expertise,
are usually trying to convince themselves.

I know that there is a lot more
gray than there is black and white.

I know how much I don’t know.

I know I’m not an expert.

[Via http://leroyscandal.wordpress.com]