Q: I’ve known Bill for years; he is a sweet, married guy about ten years older than me, and though there has always been great chemistry between us, I’ve never acted on it, and neither has he. He was always very dedicated to his wife, especially in the last few years, as she has been very ill. She is now living in a hospice, and she’s pretty incapacitated. Bill approached me a week ago saying that he and his wife had discussed it, and she’s OK with him having sex with other women since she is unable to. Do you think I should?
Mr. Wednesday: For anyone out there who unaware of this (you my dear included), a hospice is a place you go when you’re on the verge of checking out. It’s the end of the line. There’s nowhere to go after you get there, and nothing to do there besides read, watch television and contemplate whether all that stuff they told you about the afterlife was true, or just intended to make people situation feel better about saying goodbye to everything and everyone they’ve ever known. It’s no joke. In fact, it’s about as far from a joke as things get.
Now, with that in mind, assuming this guy is telling the truth (which I doubt), it seems clear that this poor woman is trying to spend her last days on earth making her husband happy. He means that much to her. But I have a strong inkling that what she really wants to hear from him, is not “thanks, see you in a few hours when I’ve satisfied myself with some hot and very healthy young babe.” Instead, what she wants to hear is “thanks, but I really couldn’t do this to you.” So why not give her that? Why not let her slip away in the naive belief that her husband is a decent, loving man instead of the asshole that he obviously is.
I suppose there is a chance that this Bill character is not making it all up and this woman will die truly happy in the thought that her husband is getting his rocks off while she’s wondering whether she’s going to meet a horde of harp playing angels, eternal fire or just darkness – even happier than she would knowing that he has been faithful to the end. But unless Bill and Mrs. Bill are hard core swingers, I’m not buying that.
Death and loss are serious stuff – about as serious as stuff can get. Your Bill’s response to them is totally inappropriate. Either he is so distraught over the likely loss of his wife that he is trying to alleviate his pain by putting sexual pleasure ahead of grief, or he’s just emotionally bereft. Neither is good. Think about it. He’s in the hospice room, unsure if this is the last time he’ll ever speak to his dying wife and he chooses to engage in a conversation about his own sexual gratification? Is that the type of man you want to be with? Are you really going to feel good about yourself, knowing that you took your relationship to the next level while his wife was doing the death rattle? Is that what you want to tell your friends and family? Well that’s what he’s suggesting.
Your best bet is to turn around and walk away before your pathologies get caught up in his more than they already have. But if you are inclined to stick around and go through with this, I suggest you do one thing before making your decision – go to the hospice and find out for yourself how Mrs. Bill feels about it. I have a feeling Mr. Bill will insist that doing such a thing would be far too upsetting for her. That is about the only thing he says about it that you should believe.
The guy is seriously twisted. But in the end, what you decide says as much about you as it does about him. So if you do go through with this, both of you will get what you deserve – each other.
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