Here is my week 2 column:
Some couples suck.
They may suck a lot of face, they may suck at being apart and they may suck the life out of each other. As a single person, it is not your job to witness, define or help them deal with their suckage. You are not Dr. Phil.
The only realistic procedure when meeting these couples that suck is hop on your Jet Ski and zoom away from their Titanic of a relationship before Leo DiCaprio pulls you into the freezing ocean with him.
So how do you distinguish a couple at Ohio University that sucks from a couple that is OK? Simple. Read my descriptions of each couple and memorize these maneuvers to escape the ones that suck. Trust me on this; evasion is my middle name.
The Level-Three Clingers:
BEWARE, I tell you. BEWARE of these level-three clingers. These are the people who invite you out with them and spend the entire night suction cupped to each other’s bodies. They will not talk to you, they will not look at you and they will not rescue you from the 55-year-old townie who hits on you.
The only thing they will do is notice when you try to slip away from them. In that second, as you desperately head for the door, they split apart like amoeba, shoot you puppy eyes and demand to know where you are going. Evasion Maneuver: Run like hell, do not make eye contact and do not give the townie your phone number on the way out.
The Co-Dependent Independents:
Those couples must be feared even more than the clingers because they fake independence and fun. Do not be deceived.
Like the clingers, these couples invite you out for a wild night in Athens. At the beginning of the evening, they shower you with love and attention. But then, the first heavy-lidded look passes between them. No, that was not a mirage; it was the first warning sign you have encountered co-dependent independents.
While Rita pulls you over to the couch to gab about all the cute boys in the room, Benny will step away for a second to talk to his friend Chad. That is when it happens. Suddenly, Rita will break into tears, tell you she thinks Benny doesn’t love her anymore and drag you to the bathroom.
You will spend the rest of the night watching snot drip down her face and wondering how you could be so naive. Evasion Maneuver: Run like hell, do not make eye contact and do not slip on Rita’s snot.
The Non-Sucky Couple:
Thank goodness for these diamonds in the rough. If it weren’t for them I would never have any friends to hang out with.
These couples are the type that you can have fun with and not worry that the night will become Halloween 4. They carry on conversations without including the name of their significant others and they even rescue you from creepy guys. These couples are so comfortable with their relationship that they don’t even need to sit on the same couch when watching a movie.
There remains one danger associated with these couples, namely that they will be so perfect for each other you might feel a twinge or two (or eight) of jealousy at their luck in finding each other. If you start to feel depressed, spend a night with either a level-three clinger couple or some co-dependent independents.
Remind yourself that 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce, that you don’t have to answer to anyone at the end of the night and that you have an entire pack of Oreos desperately awaiting your return. Unlike some people, those delicious cookies won’t be mad if you choose to make your night a little more exciting by having a threesome with milk
Or you just want a video summary:
<3 Keep blabbing
Jane
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