What do you get when 4 assholes dressed alike in tracksuits? That’s right, you get the #tracksuit mafia. An idea months in the making… I would have posted this yesterday, but there were issues.[1] Where do I begin? Well, I guess a good old fashion time line is in order.[2]
The Tracksuit Mafia...
- Made a trip to Chocolate bears house and picked up a bottle of Jack, Bushmills, Vodka, 2 Jagers, a Red Bull, and a pimp cup.
Pimp Cup in Hand... Yes that went everywhere with us.
- Back to the Honey Comb Hideout for an hour long pre-game.
Chocolate Bear "thugged out" with Winston
- Crew shows up and nick-names were picked. I was Micky 4 knuckles.[3]
- The power hour concludes and we roll to our normal spot where we met up with some friends. Our bar tab was dutifully named “the guido’s” tab.
Gotta love your "friends"
- We did not pay for that tab… someone we met there did, cause they thought we were awesome.[4] Also, there were some really weird guys trying to convince Chocolate Bear he needed to fight in the MMA. It was weird.
Guy that picked up our tab
- We decided we needed to go to the local strip club, because, well, where else do 4 guys in tracksuits go? On the way there, we were cut off by some drunk asshole that called the big guy a “nigger”. Now, usually there would have been violence in this situation[5] but there was a cop right next to us with some other drunk asshole pulled over. This set the tone for the rest of the night.
- Hit the strip club hard! They were also having a costume contest, which we were convinced we would win… Not really, especially when strippers entered. Damn. We did get on stage and saunter around though. At is at this point where we decided to use fake accents, not on the strippers, but everyone else around us. When asked about my costume, I used the line “sorry, my English, no, so good”. I had several people yelling the same thing they originally said and I did not laugh, instead I went with, “oh, kusstume? Oh da, kusstume! Me gangsta…Bang..Bang, while making a gun from my fingers. It was classic, because they bought into my bullshit.
- Rolled out of the strip club and this is where is gets a bit, um, fuzzy.
These were the shots, but I have no idea where we were...
- I think we might have stopped off for Jager shots, but I really can’t be certain it was that night. We did end up in a more upscale neighborhood and at this one bar/club where a lot of cougar hunting is done. I decided Jimbo needed to bag himself a couger. Though, every time we go there the bouncer gives us a hard time about the way we are dressed. I am all, “come on bro, tracksuits! You are required by law to let us in.” He did and he shouldn’t have. We walked in and the place was dead. Slammed a single drink and bailed. On the way out I said something to the effect of I hate you or wtf. The doorman just laughed at us. Rightfully so.
- As we are rolling down the street going to meet up with our friend, a truck in front of us was screwing around and it pissed off Chocolate Bear (CB), so he honked the horn.[6] The guy in front of us got out of the truck and so did CB. Me, J, and Jimbo were still in the back watching, as CB can handle himself…except, 3 other dudes got out and approached. So, the 3 of us in the back got out and we were confronted by an entire family reunion. Seriously, 3 cars were behind us and 2 cars in the 7-11 parking lot, equallying 30 about 30 dudes to the 4 of us. By this point I had conceded that I was going to get punched in the face.[7] It was as if the gangs of New York was remade and everyone was wearing Fubu.
Imagine this scene, only in Fubu.
- Somehow, we managed to get out unscathed. There was people yelling 5-0 and it might have helped. Regardless, it was something that I never thought would happen. I am so glad nothing went down, cause that’s the kind of shit that ends up on the news.
- We finally made it to our friend’s bar. I walked in and ordered a beer, only to be denied, because we got there right at two.
- Things went fuzzy again and food was involved at some point. It was pretty rough.
- Woke up to see a buffet from Krystals had been consumed and noticed several bottles of Jager empty along with 100’s of beer bottles. Insane.
- Watched the Florida Gators kick the shit out of Georgia!
- Started it all over again. My costume started out as the guy who was too hung over to make a costume, then I switched to being a “transformer.” I start out as a regular guy, then by the end of the night, I am a drunk asshole.
Jimbo as Ashe
Ahh, choices...To be good or to be bad.
When you try to smoke celery, you know you have had too much to drink.
Doing what he does best
And I am done...
That is the story of this last weekend. Thank you…
[1] The issue was I was still hung over on Monday and it was vicious.
[2] Sorry, I really wanted to try something different, but I am too challenged today.
[3] Think Franky 4 fingers, but more Irish.
[4] Umm, cause we are awesome!
[5] All of us would have gotten out of the car and kicked his ass.
[6] Now, in most situations, the next series of events would have gone way different.
[7] I am pretty, but I can take a punch or two when needed.
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