After seven years of marriage I finally “stepped” out on my marriage. Not because I don’t love my husband or family but because I have this overwhelming craving for the “high.” I feel so dead inside, void of passion in any form in my life. When I capture the attention of someone, male or female, I become obsessed. It makes me feel so over the moon that I am worthy of someone else’s attention, I can’t stop. It becomes a game for me. It consumes me. I think about it night and day. And this time it became sexual. I don’t even like sex. When with my husband I just want it over with.
I know that it is wrong but I still want more, it is like a drug. Maybe it is because I am not getting what I need out of my marriage. I’ve told him about the other man, a man in which he knows and is in the same line of work. He was angry. I told him about how this man listened to me and how that was so attractive to me. We used to talk for hours on the phone and it wasn’t one sided conversations like I’m used to with my husband. Despite explaining that I need more from my husband in our marriage, the emptiness remains and my mind (and eyes) continue to wander.
What human doesn’t want to feel needed and loved? My obsessive compulsive tendencies take feelings of wanting to feel needed and loved to a new level. Probably a level that isn’t healthy. From a psychological standpoint, it is likely I have underlying issues that haven’t been dealt with which exacerbate these desires. I haven’t found a therapist yet that will help me deal with that though. I sometime have trouble opening up to my therapists because I worry about her judgement. My paranoia makes life difficult to deal with most of the time. This is yet another symptom of bipolar depression and OCD I have to deal with and would give anything for it to go away.
I feel this desire to act on the attention I get from others is going to get me into trouble. I get so wrapped up in the good feelings from it, I lose the ability to think logically. How do I stop myself from acting on these feelings? I don’t want to go on another medication. I’m tired of feeling flat as I have on some of them I’ve tried. I’d also have to deal with the weight gain as many of the new psychotropic drugs cause. I refuse to do that. So what are my other options? Do I continue seeking the attention of others? As I write this I am already needing that “high” again. If I am able to keep myself from acting on it remains to be seen.
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