The libido.
For some of us it’s a constant presence, sometimes even overwhelming in its demands for satiation. Sometimes it’s a slow simmer on the back burner of the mind, not overwhelming but still occasionally releasing a wave of scintillating scent, enough to make the eyes close and the mouth water. And for others of us… nothing but a cold, dark, empty kitchen.
We all know the various causes of a nonexistent libido. Medications, stress, exhaustion, sometimes even lack of desire for one’s partner. Then there’s any combination of the above. Sexperts also talk about the sexual complacence that comes of being in a long-term, settled relationship—not necessarily lack of desire, just… complacence. Often called lesbian bed death in F/F relationships.
What’s my cause? I don’t know for sure. But I do know that my libido has slid down the drain just like last night’s bathwater. I’ve been so asexual lately that even the idea of masturbating holds no appeal to me. I have been stressed, I have been exhausted and I am on one of the many BC pills out there, so I imagine my lack of libido can be traced back to any and all of those. I am reluctant to blame it on the Pill because I’ve never had libido issues on any Pill I’ve ever taken, and I haven’t previously had libido issues on this particular Pill. I’m inclined to lean towards stress/exhaustion as the causes of my complete lack of sexual appetite. I know for sure it’s not lack of desire for my partner. I still tease Emmett, still love his wanting me. And the way I figure, if it were lack of desire for him, then I would desire others. I don’t. No one I’ve met yet in the local community has stirred so much as an iota of sexual desire in me.
Unfortunately, those causes are harder to fix than Pill-caused lack of libido. It’s not as easy to get rid of stress and exhaustion the way it is to switch medications. It’s not even easy just to switch medications! (See Thursday’s Child’s latest post on re-learning sex.) But stress and exhaustion… hell, that’s just part of the territory of being a responsible adult. We all have stressors. We all have long days, short nights, way too much to do and far too little time in which to do it. It’s not so much about removing those factors as learning to deal with them.
I guess that’s where I am right now. Learning to deal with a new set of stressors and waiting for them to even out into less of a crisis situation. Getting used to those long days and short nights to where my sleep schedule doesn’t feel so out of whack and I don’t feel like such a zombie going through life. Because really, the long days aren’t going to change. Emmett and I both commute almost every day; average drive time hovers around two hours daily, depending on traffic. And that’s just something that comes with the territory of living in a bigger metropolitan area. Not to say it won’t be the case forever, but for now, it is. And I will just have to learn to deal without becoming a shell of my former self.
I want to want sex again. I read stories like EssinEm’s posts about sex with Q and they are hot. They stir something in me that I want back as a steady presence in my life. I don’t want to be hollow forever. And I know I won’t be; it’s just a matter of adjusting to this new life and not letting it overwhelm me.
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