I am feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment. I really shouldn’t, but let’s take a look at the reality of my situation.
I am not particularly beautiful, nor am I any more special than other women. I hold one singularity and that is my need to be owned, controlled and possessed by a man. At this moment I have men from India to Arizona who want to be with me. For some it is simply a matter of possessing me sexually. For some it is a need to possess me entirely. I have been with some of these men, others are waiting for me.
I don’t mention this to toot my own horn. In fact, as a sub it is almost impossible for me to do so. I mention it as a cornerstone to the search I have embarked on. I told a friend the other day that I wished for one man to own me, control me, protect me. He laughed and called me a liar. He said that in fact, I needed two men to provide for me, my husband and a Dom. It made me think and frankly put me into the melancholy mood I now am.
I would love nothing more than for my husband to control me, to take possession of me wholly. Our relationship doesn’t work this way. It never has. I married him because he was safe, soft, gentle. My role is to give everything of myself to our family and I do so without question. It is when I run emotionally dry that I need to be protected, cherished and indeed because of my certain proclivities, dominated.
My goal is subspace because when I am there nothing else matters. I dip from the fountain of life and everything that I am is fulfilled, replenished. It is after, when my Dom has brought me back, that I can face the rest of the world. I feel stronger for the experience. I want a Dom to take me to the edge of insanity and bring me back again. It takes a lot of trust to allow someone to do this. Add the fact that I am still not certain I have a limit to my tolerance of pain and it can be a dangerous prospect.
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