One of the problems in many marriages is couples are slackers. While we are dating, we work so hard, we get ready whenever we are going to see that person, we wash our clothes, take a shower, make sure we smell good, look good. Even the thought of not being “ready” to see your boyfriend or girlfriend while dating brings horror to our minds while dating. Men, while you are dating, you are constantly pursuing your girlfriend. Whatever she wants to do, you want to do. Whether it is shopping, sitting and talking for hours, just “being” with her. We are willing to sit for hours and say nothing while dating, we just want to be with the other person.
Enter marriage.
Do you know what happens?
We become the laziest people on the planet. We stop trying. It is no longer important to wear clean clothes, smell good, take a shower everyday. Married men will just smell clothes before putting them on and think that is okay. They will wear boxers with stains and holes and not care. They no longer want to shop, sit and talk and forget sitting in silence together for any length of time unless you are eating or driving. We call that a small step in the direction of connecting because we are in the same vicinity.
Women are the same way. While dating you were interested in everything he did. You wanted to know about what excited him, his dreams, you wanted to hear all the things he was going to do with his life. Now, you could careless about his day, his problems or what he does. In fact, do you know what he does at work?
What about dress? Now I know I am walking on some thin ice, but hear me out. I see my wife everyday, so I know how busy and hectic a house can be, especially with young kids around. There are very few moments of quiet, let alone minutes in a row to brush teeth, fix your hair or take a shower. I get it. But, you have to try. Your husband spends all day at work with women who care about what he does and care about how they look. He can’t come home everyday and find someone who does not care about his day (most men complain they feel their wife cares more about the kids and their day and than she does about his day) and who does not try with her appearance. This does not mean you have to look like you did not spend all day with kids or whatever you did, but try. Really, that is all he wants.
So are you slacking off?
Not sure yet.
Here are some more questions (from Perry Noble):
He’s Slacking Off When…
- What is special to her is no longer special to him – you didn’t have this attitude when you were dating, but once you married her you thought, “I don’t have to work now!” Wrong…you’ve got to work harder!
- You won’t pray with her or for her!
- You stop pursuing her romantically and sexually.
- You see her as your servant rather than your opportunity to serve.
- You want to use her for sex and don’t care if she truly feels connected romantically to you.
- You talk down to her and/or constantly raise your voice to her.
- You compare her to other women…in front of her.
- You are keeping secrets from her.
She’s Slacking Off When…
- You love talking about him (in your prayer gossip group) but have no desire to talk to him about the problem.
- You love it when he spends more time at work…that means you don’t have to be around him as much.
- You disrespect him out loud and often in front of your children.
- You know TONS about the lives of your kids…but are clueless about what is going on in his life.
- You withold sex to punish him and/or to get your way.
- You are keeping secrets from him.
The fastest way to an unhappy marriage or divorce is laziness.
I know what you are thinking, that is a lot of work. Yep. If you thought marriage meant you got to stop trying, you got duped. You wake up everyday and have to go to work. Staying plugged in emotionally, relationally, sexually, spiritually is work, it doesn’t just happen.
Here are some ideas to stay away from laziness:
- Weekly date night
- Ask about each other’s day and listen
- Sex, as often as you can (it is not coincidence that every book and study says happy couples have sex a lot)
- To help with sex, go through your underwear drawer every year and throw stuff out and buy news ones (this is for both of you)
- Pretend you are still dating, look your best for your spouse (every spouse has a different definition of what a 10 is, find out what it is and dress like that)
- Men, pursue your wife
- Have a yearly get away
- Turn the TV off
What would you add? How can a couple stay away from being lazy?
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