Oh, first time stories! Don’t you love them! When you just lost it, it’s soo exciting to just tell sommeone about it! OMG, you’re not a virgin anymore! You’re… better than everyone else. Or, at least you try to pretend you’re better.
Truth is, you have no clue what just happened. No clue if you liked it. No clue about anything for that matter. But, I mean, hey, it’s a new eperience, better be excited about it!
Then, you grow up and laugh about it.
Now, for the purpose of this post, I’ll just go with my girlfriends again. I mean, just to get it straight, most of my friends are guys, but their stories aren’t even half as entertaining.
Back when I was a snotty shorty, me and my two girlfriends, whom I’ve known since forever ago, made a bet. Who’s gonna lose it first, second and last! This was back when guys were stupid (well, some of them still are) and we didn’t begin to bleed out of our vaginas yet. Oh, the simple life. So I went first and told everyone I was going to lose it last. Meanwhile, since I was dating soccer players 6 yrs+ older than me at the time, both of them were outraged. “You calling me a whore?”. I didn’t see that one coming. But time passed, and I was the only one that got the order right. But before I start talking about the real deal, let me set some things straight:
First off, why is it called “losing” your virginity? Is it like your car keys or id, you just misplaced it? Really? Oh yeah, and popping your cherry isn’t going to sound a whole lot nicer either.
Secondly, we didn’t have sex ed where I grew up. So you can imagine the myths circulating about sex. (oh yeah, and this was before the dawn of the internet).
And thirdly, since all of my friends have always been guys, I found out was sex was when I was 3 or 4. The years to come just added to the vast amount of info on sex I had gathered.
Now, story time. It was the summer of our 18th birthdays. Both my friends have gone through base 1,2 and3, but not homerun yet. Now, I don’t understand girls. They say stuff like “But I like it when he fondles my bare boob.” but then “but I don’t want to have sex.”. Basically, they’ll do anything BUT sex. Why in God’s name are they so scared about? Well, being whores, it hurting, a lot, and, that’s about it. Now, just a quick side note, I knew this girl from catholic school once, she actually tried to convert me to catholocism (and, btw, I’m christian) and was SSSOOOOO wholy. She planned to save herself till marriage, which is an amazing thing, this day and age, so she had anal sex all the time. Really?! Really, you’re a 23 year old telling me you’re a virgin but random guys have been backdooring you for 10 years, and you want me to not laugh at you? Some people just need therapy, man.
In the meantime, I would have probably gotten aroused by 1,2,3 base as well, (hell, I do now) BUT I chose not to go there. Why? cause sex is just sexual pleasure (at least when you’re a teen- and whoever decides that they were having more than sex, making love even, go f*** yourself, or get a therapist). You fondling my breasts till I wet my pants- sexual pleasure again. So, it was logical for me to not go that way at all. So, I enjoyed life, and had tons of clean fun with my guy friends without it being all awkward that no, I can’t be alone with him, OMG! And, yeah, I was a kid till I was 20.
Going back to my girlfriends. So, summer when we turned 18, one of them decided to let me in on her first sexual experience. Yeah, we had all heard it hurts. Cool, I was expecting that. But Sweet Jesus, this girl was in pain. Agony, even! So I ask: “Wait, no foreplay beforehand?” She says: “No, of course, we made out for 10 minutes. But then, after we took our clothes off, I got scared, and it took him 3 painful tries to get it in.” So I’m sitting there in total awe. Is this guy for real? And most importantly, why is my best girlfriend telling me this, with a smile on her face. So I ask her and she responds: “Oh, I love him.” At this point I want to puke, slap her and beat the living shit out of the guy, all at once. But she continues: “Oh yeah, it feels weird, but he gets off really fast, so I enjoy pleasuring him. I was sore for a week and bled for the first 5 times.” I’m still in awe. “But because I was too sore, he wanted to have anal sex afterwards, and THAT hurt.” At this point, it’s too much info hitting me all at once. Need to process. Focus, V, focus. So we sit in silence for like 15 minutes, as I probably turned all shades of white, yellow, red and purple. I try to breath, but I managed to hiss out: “He fucked you for 5 times in a row, then in the ass cause you were too sore. And, you love him?” Meanwhile, she, who had been referring to IT as being “love making” (oh how amusing), and who, btw, didn’t orgasm once, replies with a scared/pissed face: “We didn’t FUCK, we made love. You wouldn’t know anything about it, cause you’ve never experienced it.” And leaves.
So, I end up pissed as hell. Here I am, talking to my best friend, a beautiful, funny girl who could probably get any guy out there, and I’m a jackass cause I call it as it was: the love of her life (this ugly, fat, douche with a ghetto accent and an attitude, that didn’t even show up for her 18th bday party) fucked her 5 times in two days, then proceded to fuck her in the ass cause the poor girl was bleeding and sore. And her “mature” ass loves him. And again, I’m the insensitive cunt of the story. Wow, women are stupid.
Coming up next: The second best friend. Now this one, who had been dating another douche (that’s what happens to good, hot girls) decided to brake up with him, cause he wouldn’t have sex with her since it would have been statutory rape (well, that’s the only nice thing he ever did), drag our asses for a 3 day mini vacation for her birthday, disappear the second night, come back at 4 am, not talk for half a day, and then, over lunch, brake it to us plain and simple. We had been asking her all day what happened. Nothing, she says. So we say, okay, she’s probably pissed off at her ex. Cool. She was just staring into space, and, my other friend kept getting aggravated that she “wasn’t in the mood” for anything, while she kept asking her what we should do for her official bday celebration. I let them be and proceeded to devour my salad, when, out of the blue: “I want to stay at the hotel tonight and hang out. That will be fun. Oh, and I lost my virginity last night.” God, how I remember that damned piece of iceberg salad that got stuck in my throat, I thought I would die then and there. But, after some unsuccessful heimlich maneuvers, I finally got a grip, and, all purple and sweaty asked “Wait. What did you just say?”. And there it was. While waiting in line for the bathroom she asked the guy in front of her if he wanted to have sex. Went on the beach. The guy shoved it in, she screamed, he stopped, and asked her dumbstruck if she was a virgin. She told him to finish. Got up, found a bench, smoked a pack. We were staring at her in shock. In 1 minute she told us how her first time went. After a while I just started laughing. This was typical. More like typical me, but typical. “Anything you would like to add?” I asked her while still laughing and my other friend still in shock. “Yeah, it’s overrated, hurts like a bitch, and don’t do it in sandy premises. Bad idea.” Now we were all laughing.
So there you have it, the two most common first times in girls: the deflower-me-so-you-can-love-me type and the just-get-it-over-with-already type. Both times it hurts. Both times it makes a funny story. Now, there’s also a rarer, I-got-ravished-and-orgasmed-like-crazy type, but I’ll illustrate that later on.
Of course, I’ve heard stories of other people, other friends, and sometimes drunk customers in my bar (God I wish I wouldn’t remember those). Guys are usually gentlemen about it: “we had sex, it was great”. Well, except the insecure little cunts that make up some ridiculous porn movie scene “oh yeah I gave it to her good, she was screaming for more” (really? you’re 16 and she’s screeming for more, 2 minute-man?). And girlfriends who I’ve met in college, and honestly, I don’t care bout details of the sex lives, sometimes share funny stories when drunk, but they all fall under the 3 cathegories mentioned before. And they all start like this: “My first time, giggle, it hurt like a bitch…”
Now for the moral of the story. What I came to understand is that it doesn’t hurt like a bitch. It hurts compared to regular sex once you get the hang of it and becomes pleasurable. But really girls? Grown ass women that endure medieval torture every 3 weeks or so when they have to go in for their brazilian, that want children and give childbirth, that have had cramps, migranes, bloatiness and ovary pain once a month since their vaginas started bleeding, that torture themselves on skyhigh heels, pull on their hair to make it straight, get shaving rash after shaving their legs everyday, and go to the spa to get their faces chemically peeled (with acid, that is)? And I’ll think of more in a minute, if I haven’t managed to make my point yet.
And again, since we didn’t have sex ed, we did not get the stupid videos on how it’s not supposed to hurt, but only cause a minor “disconfort”. Still, videos or not, I’m pretty sure even girls with A+ in that class still trusted their more experienced peers, friends and parents even, who did say that it HURTS. Now the issue is no one tells you that sex itself is pleasurable afterwards (or at least it’s supposed to be). Why?
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